ANNOUNCEMENT

Jasmynne Shaye accepted an invitation to become a regular contributor for a new online presence. She will be one of the voices to be heard at YEAH I SAID IT MAGAZINE (http://yeahisaiditmagazine.com/). Jasmynne was hand-picked by the creator and founder of the site, Bonnie Sludikoff, because of her unique writing style and her ability to quickly cut through the noise to pull her readers in. Jasmynne has her own blog (http://steppingonafewtoes.blogspot.com/) that she began in November 2011 that has rapidly become a fan favorite for its motivational and inspirational messages. Many are drawn to it because Jasmynne has a way of making each reader feel like she is speaking directly to them. Stay tuned for more info on the official launch of YEAH I SAID IT MAGAZINE.com.

Remove Chaos. Create Order.

The word “order” is heavy on my brain right now. Order. Structure. Method. System. All of these terms are buzzing through my head and I'm reminded just how necessary they are. Mind you someone can always overdo it. Structure can soon turn into “crazy obsession” if you're not careful, but today I'm not talking about extremes. Today I'm talking about the enormous power a little order can bring to your life. Power and confidence as a matter of fact, and I'll show you how.

First let's talk about the opposite of order. It's not hard to imagine. We all know that without some sort of order, without some kind of structure, chaos will eventually ensue, and nothing productive is born from chaos. Does anyone have a friend that can never seem to find his/her keys? Every single time you're ready to go you've got to spend an extra 10-15 minutes looking for their keys. Or do you know the girl that can never put her hand on “the other shoe”? Time and time again you're commissioned to help find the mate to the one she's currently hobbling around in. Or the person that purchases new items and loses them before they can even be used? Know any of them? Let's keep going.

Do you know anyone who's school notebooks look like a tornado landed on them? Because they can never make head or tail of their notes and assignments, they're always looking to their more organized classmates for direction. Ever been to anyone's house and the dishes are piled a mile high in the sink? You assume it's an isolated event, and you think nothing of it. However repeat visits soon paint another picture and quickly let you know there's something not quite right here.

I could go on all day with one example after another, but you get my point (I hope). Without order there is chaos, and chaos does not breed productivity. And here's why... If you have chaos in one area of your life it always spills over into others. Always. I don't care how much you think you're compartmentalizing, it doesn't work. And even if you think it's working, you're only fooling yourself. We, here on the outside, know and see differently. It's just not possible to contain it because it's a mindset. I'm not saying that if you can never find your keys that your whole life is in disarray, but I am saying that that disorder isn't limited to just misplacing your keys. If you could see yourself or someone you know in any of the examples I mentioned you know what I mean. Coupled with that seemingly negligible bit of chaos comes one or more of the following:

– a string of failed/strained personal relationships

– financial instability

– career unfulfillment

– varying degrees of depression

– lack of motivation

– low self-esteem

– lack of confidence

When you have order and structure in your life, you trust yourself and you tend to wear it on your sleeve. It's the kind of thing that no one can really put their finger on, but you tend to carry yourself a little differently than others. Without knowing why people gravitate to you and they have no problem trusting you blindly. You appear to “have it together” and everyone loves being around those kind of people. We feel more “together” just by being in their presence, and you have the power to create that kind of magnetism, you really do. Just take a close look at yourself and if you see even the slightest blur of chaos in your life handle it. Tell yourself that chaos has spent its last night with you and you're kicking it out. Order and structure are you're new house mates because you've got things you need to get done.  And then make it happen.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

Rocks or Water: Can You Be Heard?

If someone couldn't see you and could only hear your voice, would they be able to identify you without a shadow of a doubt? Is your voice clear? Is it identifiable even in a crowd or does yours sound like a million others? Do you have a voice? Do you? And I'm not asking if you can speak, I'm not asking if you can audibly be heard – I'm asking if you have a voice. Do YOU know who you are? Do you know what you stand for, what your interests are, what your beliefs are, what rubs you the wrong way? Have you identified those things for yourself or do you adopt the feelings, beliefs and characteristics of those around you? Are you solid and firm like a rock, unchanging no matter the environment; or are you like water conforming to every container (environment) you're placed in? Which are you? Who are you? How do you like your eggs prepared? Do you like eggs? Do you know?

“Jasmynne, that's silly! Of course I know how I like my eggs!” Ok, don't get your undies in a bunch and stop yelling at me. Here's my point. Are you steadfast? When you're in a group of people that believe eating eggs is murder, do you still openly love them? Can your voice be heard in THAT crowd or does it shrink to the sidelines? When all the kids at school are picking on Tommy because of his lisp do you chime in or do you take a stand on Tommy's behalf? When everyone is talking about the dangers and disgusts of smoking do you still light up with confidence or do you retreat in shame? Ever eaten at a restaurant by yourself? Ever gone to the movies by yourself? Ever gone to a concert, to the theatre, to a club or to a party by yourself? Does that completely wig you out or are you that comfortable in your own skin to handle it? " If I want to go I'm going whether I've got anyone to go with or not. Why should I be held back according to the likes/dislikes of others?"

Alternatively when the “gang” is going to an event that doesn't interest you, do you skip it or do you go because you're expected to? Do you end up at a place bored to tears and counting the minutes just to save face? Just to please? Why? Who are you? Again I ask: Do you know who you are? Do you?

I'd venture to say that if you aren't one hundred percent comfortable in your own skin, if you've found yourself swaying on your morals, if you seem to always be conforming, if you're afraid to wear that because of what others will think, if you're nervous about changing your hairstyle because of how it will be received, if you don't know how you like your eggs, if you don't have a favorite color, if it takes you all day to come up with ten adjectives to describe yourself, if you don't have at least one close friend that you confide in, that you completely trust...I'd venture to say you don't know who you are. You don't have a voice and you haven't quite figured out “you” yet. Not the worst thing in the world, but it's something you'll want to tackle before much more time passes. You have no idea how much freedom you're missing out on by living under the thumb of others. Who cares what they sound like? What's it matter what they think? The question is, “Who are you?” and the answer is one I'm gonna leave you to come up with.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

Small Change :: Big Results

It's been a few hours now and I can't seem to get the lyrics of Michael Jackson's “Man In the Mirror” out of my head. If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself, and then make a change – ugh! I love that lyric, and it's got me (yet again) pointing a finger at myself while asking, “Am I doing enough? Am I doing all I can?” And my gut tells me 'no' and it hurts because I know better. And I'm not even gonna speak on such grandiose terms as changing the world, because that may not be everyone's end game. However most are at least interested in changing their world. YOUR space. YOUR place. I'm quite certain most are at least interested in that, and even on that small scale Jackson's lyrics still apply. It seems much more obvious that if we want OUR position in life to change that we must start by changing something about OURselves. When you say it out loud, it seems to make perfect sense, yet few do it. It's so much easier to play the finger pointing game:

“I would have gotten that job if he had given me a recommendation.”

“The teacher hates me. No wonder I'm failing the class.”

“If my husband worked harder our family would be better off.”

“I'm in unhealthy relationships because my mother was always in unhealthy relationships.”

“I can't seem to get ahead because you won't help me.”

Come on people. Just stop the madness. Stop it now. When there is example after example of individuals that literally began with nothing yet they somehow managed to create strong legacies for themselves and their families, there is no excuse. None. Either you like where you are and you're completely happy or you want something different for you and your family. Those are the options. If you've already reached the top of your mountain and you couldn't be happier, I'm not talking to you, but if you've still got a ways to climb and you haven't even put on your hiking boots, I hope you're listening with your good ear. Get up off your hiney and go stand in front of the bathroom mirror, stare yourself in the face, and say, “I have to change. I have to do something different. I'm the one holding me back.” Say those sentences over and over until they sit with you, until they get under your skin, until they piss you off enough to do something.

And you needn't feel overwhelmed, because what I've learned is small changes often produce big results. You've just got to commit by creating new habits. Habits. Not, “I did something different last Monday but nothing good came of it.” That's because you've not created a new habit.

Habit: an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary

Regularly followed – that's what I'm getting at. You do that, and without a doubt you'll get the results you're seeking, and I'll leave it at that. Start with you. Make a simple change. Make that change a habit. Prepare to reach your mountain top.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

What Do You Want?

Relationships of all kinds deteriorate because of unmet expectations.  Parent :: Child.  Teacher :: Student.  Husband :: Wife.  Even the best of friendships have come under fire due to unmet expectations, and it’s unfortunate, because these are problems that could have been averted had the lines of communication been wide open between the individuals in question.  Let me tell you what I mean…

For anyone that has ever taken a college course you know that on day one of that class the professor hands out a syllabus.  That syllabus is your roadmap to success because it lines out the assignments for the entire semester, fills you in on the instructor’s attendance policy and it tells you how each assignment is weighted.  You’re in!!  Home free!!!  If I want to get in “A” in this class, THIS is what I’ve got to do.  If I’m aiming from a “B” in this course, THIS is what it’s gonna’ take.  It’s all there.  Right there in black and white.  No guess work, no having to decipher clues, no lines to read between.  The instructor has been kind enough to give you a hard copy of their very detailed expectations – now it’s up to you whether you choose to follow them or not.  THAT’S what you have to decide, but you can never say, “I didn’t know!” or “No one told me!”  Those two dollar excuses won’t work here, because you and the fifty to a hundred students all received the same roadmap…the same course guide…the same list of expectations.  The “A” students used that roadmap like a Bible and the “D” students probably misplaced it after the first class.

But what if everyone could be that college professor?  How much easier would life be if everyone was kind enough to outline their expectations of us from the get-go?  The interesting thing is, as parents, you’re very good as laying out the expectations: 

-- I expect you to make your bed every morning.

-- I expect you to take out the trash twice a week.

-- I expect you to clean your bathroom once a week.

Parents seem to be very clear with their expectations and they’re not shy about sharing them with their children because it just makes sense.  You can’t punish a child for not making the bed if you’ve never told them that’s a chore they’re expected to complete.  DUH?? 

But why is it that outside of parenting most people don’t use that same logic?  Folks are walking around praying that someone is reading their mind.  NEWSFLASH:  it’s not happening!!!  People have way too much going on to spend extra time wondering what you may or may not want…what you may or may not like.  It’s just not happening.  So why not save yourselves some heartache and be upfront?  Be that college professor and clearly explain your expectations to others.  Doing so doesn’t make you evil, it makes you honest and upfront, and it means you have a much better chance of getting what you want because…well because now they know what to give you.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

Turn Every Obstacle Into an Opportunity

You know it. I know it. The person sitting across the room from you knows it. No one is perfect. We ALL make mistakes. We ALL screw up. We ALL fall short of the goals we set for ourselves. All of us. Every single one of us. No one is exempt. We all think that we should be further than we are in life, and we're all judging ourselves against our own personal rulers. What sets the greats apart from the mediocres is how the greats handle set-backs and disappointment. In those pivotal moments what do they do differently?

We were all put on this earth for a very specific purpose. Sounds hokey, but it's true. Each of us has a definite job that we're meant to carry out and see to completion. But those tasks don't come without their hurdles, and whether we know it – whether we like it or not – dealing with the hurdles is part of our job as well. A sailor can only learn so much by sailing in calm waters. There's only so much growth to be had. It's not until he is faced with a storm and a tumultuous wave or two that he really gets to see what he's made of, and he really begins to understand how to navigate his vessel.

We are no different. I guarantee you the best sailors alive have steered their way through hell and back and have lived to tell about it. The best chefs can create magic out of the most basic ingredients. The best painters don't need a canvas. They can make art anywhere. If you've only been living in the land of Best Case Scenario, you're learning nothing and you're not growing. And if you aspire to be the best and excel in life you had better be praying that you're hit with a storm or two (or three), because THAT'S where the learning and growth take place. You will never reach the highest heights without having jumped some hurdles. It's just not possible. You pick anyone that you look up to in any field or industry and I guarantee you they have a story to tell. They didn't get where they are by mistake. And even if it was mommy and daddy's money that helped them get their foot in the door those doors quickly closed if they didn't posses the elbow grease to maneuver trying times. It's the trying times that make the man, not the sunny days. Remember that.

So I would tell you to embrace the trial because it's being presented to you as an opportunity to make you a better you. What was that show?... The guy that could fix his way out of a bind with a toothpick and a stick of gum? MacGyver! I don't remember much about the show, but I do remember people loving to see what he was gonna jimmy up next. And I think we all have to be the MacGyver of our own lives. We all need to get to the place where no matter how ugly the situation is, no matter how few resources we have we're able to make it work (as Tim Gunn would say). Just remember, every obstacle presents an opportunity. The question is: what will you do with the opportunities that you are given?

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

Know What You Deserve

I’m staring at a movie quote that has been haunting me for days now.  It reads, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”  It comes from THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER, which hasn’t come out yet, but they definitely have my attention.  One more time:  “We accept the love we think we deserve.”  Holy smokes!  Isn’t that just…just…just the truth?  “We accept the love we think we deserve.”  So when you see the woman getting the life beat out of her by her lover/mate/spouse, and you wonder why she doesn’t leave, this is why.  When you see the guy getting dogged out by his girl and you can’t seem to figure why he puts up with it – this is why.  They don’t see themselves as being worthy of much more.  They have such a low opinion of themselves that they believe it’s either put up with the nonsense or be alone.  They, for whatever the reasons may be, don’t think a decent man/woman would give them the time of day, so they settle.  The put up with the crap and they believe the lie.  And sometimes they believe the lie until they become it.  Truly a sad state of affairs. 

Knowing your worth dictates all your actions so it’s necessary for each of us to spend some time with ourselves re-learning and re-understanding who we are, what we are, and why we’re great.  WE have to know those things inside and out because they will get tested on a daily basis, and if we aren’t rock solid on the answers we’ll quickly end up with people that we’ve got no business.  With people that aren’t deserving of our time, our love, and our commitment.  If we’re going to be loyal to someone, why not to a person that is our equal?  Someone that feeds and nurtures our soul?  Someone that sees the precious metal in us and treats us accordingly?  Why not exercise patience waiting for a bit and make the decision to be loyal to that person?  Giving your heart, love and commitment to the others will only make you bitter.  You become callused, cold and empty inside, and you end up blaming it on the other person when it’s not their fault.  You have to look in the mirror and take the blame for giving them the time of day.  For letting them take up residence in your heart.  For allowing them to stay long after they’d worn out their welcome.  That’s your fault, and as difficult as it may be, you’ve got to face that fact and take that blame.  But don’t take it without learning something.  That would be a waste of time.  Recognize where you went wrong and then try to figure out why.  Why did you allow yourself to settle?  Why did you give this person the go-ahead to rip your self esteem to shreds?  Why?  Take as much time as you need to figure that out because only then will you be ready for what you truly deserve which isn’t a perfect person, but someone that is perfect for you.  They will elevate you, adore you, honor you, but above all – they will respect you.  Remember:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

Why not think you deserve the best?  Why not KNOW you deserve the best?  Seriously, why not?

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

Are You In Position?

People are often eager to upgrade their vehicle, their wardrobe, or even their hairstyle.  Folks get excited just thinking about the change(s) they are about to make and they can’t wait to step out to show the world their new choice(s).  I’d love to make a suggestion.  Operating with the same gusto you’d have about upgrading your TV from a 20” to a 75” flat screen why not upgrade your associates?  Have you any idea the impact that would have on your life?  And I hate to feel like I’ve got to disclaim everything, but I do.  This is not meant to put anyone down, and it’s not meant to sound elitist.  BUT if you’re looking to learn how to fish you must learn from a fisher.  Want to learn how to ride a motorcycle?  You’re gonna have to learn from a skilled cyclist.  Interested in taking up a musical instrument?  I guarantee you’ll be seeking the advice of a musician.  It seems so simple – so first grade.  But why is it we’ll spend hours on end in our daily lives with people that can’t teach us a thing?  If you’re interested in being a successful business person, you’d better try to apprentice with someone that has a proven track record.  The same goes for any industry or field.  Once the student has outgrown the teacher, it’s time to get a new instructor.  He/she can’t teach you any more than they themselves know. 

Now here’s where it gets fun.  Sometimes YOU’RE meant to be the teacher, and this is where discernment comes in.  There will be times when students will gravitate to you for advice, learning and instruction and you have to be smart enough not to throw them away.  So many intangible gifts come from mentoring others.  And it’s often in having these relationships that we end up learning more about ourselves.  BUT – and it’s a big but – you cannot spend your time helping someone that is unwilling to help themselves.  You need not waste your time with those individuals that are going nowhere and aren’t interested in even looking at the map.  There’s no need.  You have too much to do; too much to accomplish; too much to learn.  And you shouldn’t feel bad about it.  Do you.  Seek out those mentors that you can truly learn from and soak up every bit of knowledge they’re willing to toss your way.  For everyone else you’re senselessly filling your time with?  It’s time for an upgrade.  Inform them.  Don’t inform them – that’s up to you.  My only suggestion would be to get it done with the quickness.  You’ve already wasted enough time with them.  Look ahead at the horizon and visualize the effect this change will have on your future and get excited, cause it’s gonna add way more value to your life than that silly flat screen.  In the very near future just about everyone will own one of those things, but not everyone will have taken the necessary steps to position themselves for excellence.  Take charge and do it for you.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

See For Yourself

Ever been on the receiving end of a compliment from a friend or stranger? Anyone ever say to you:

“That's a great color on you!”

“Your hair looks great!”

“Nice shirt!”

“You look great in that dress!”

“I love your purse!”

“I like our shoes!”

Has any one of those phrases ever been directed towards you? //insert your positive affirmation here\\ Of course they have! And I'm certain on more than one occasion. Do you remember how the compliment made you feel? Did you kinda' perk up a bit? Straighten your spine a little? Inject a little pep in your step all of a sudden? Did you smile right away or try to play it cool like you get that compliment all the time? Bottom line: I don't care how you reacted, but it made you feel good. They just slapped you with an extra dose of confidence. And no matter how bad or rotten your day was going – it instantly got better. Wow...the power of a compliment. It's kind of amazing really.

I was talking to a friend last evening about this very topic, but I flipped the script a bit. Yes, we all love to be on the receiving end, but what about being on the giving end? What about being that person that makes a deliberate effort to give at least one stranger/friend a compliment every day? What's the point in that, Jaz? You're kidding, right? Remember how wonderful you felt when you got your compliment? Why not be that ray of sunshine for someone else? Even if you live in a small city or town you come in contact with people everyday. And most of the time we have no idea what any of these people are dealing with in their personal lives. And even if we have an inkling, we probably don't know the true gravity of it all and the toll it's taking. One simple, genuine compliment can make all the difference. Trust me. Affairs are started and marriages are ended because a spouse was receiving compliments from someone other than the person he/she was married to.

Compliments make you feel noticed, appreciated, and worthy. Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment,” and I guarantee you he wasn't kidding. They're phrases of magic...of power...and when they are truly genuine and well-placed, they can affect change. A compliment? Yes. A compliment.

So I ask, why not be that for someone else? I'm a firm believer that you reap what you sew, if you're in need of some goodness and generosity (and we all are) then start by giving some away – on a daily basis. And come on, people – it doesn't cost you a thing. Totally free. All you have to do is be thoughtful, be honest, and share it with someone. You're already thinking it: I love her haircut... I like that bag he's got... Those are some dope shoes... She is wearin' the heck outta that dress... And if you're thinking it, share it and watch what happens in return. I won't even tell you. I'm gonna let you see for yourself.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.