Don't Be Sad Like Sidney

I was recently dining with friends and was in the company of a man that truly made my heart ache.  He’s an older gentleman…a physician of around 50/60 years old.  He’s a father of some amazing daughters and a proud grandfather as well.  And though we didn’t play any games of trivia, it’s clear that he’s an intelligent guy.  Best I can tell, you can b.s. your way through a lot, but I doubt anyone’s b.s.’ing their way through medical school.  Just a thought.

So as we’re gathered around the table breaking bread with one another, waitress after waitress stops by our spot to give a hello to the doctor.  And like the gentleman that he is, he briefly canoodled with each of them as if they were the only woman alive.  As if his day had just been made by the presence of their beauty.  And in fashion, each girl giggled and tossed her hair, clearly soaking up every drop of praise that was being tossed her way.  The doctor (who I will refer to as Sidney) was clearly in his element.  This restaurant was his spot, and these were his “girls.”  He loved stealing hugs and other bits of affection from them and they loved being doted over.  Sounds like a win-win situation right?  Harmless enough?  I thought so, but the night was still young…

I will do my best to make it make sense for you, but Sidney really proved to be a mixed bag of tricks making finite, definitive statements on one hand, and then completely contradicting himself seconds later.  You would kill me if I wrote like that so I’m going to share the info with you in the most linear fashion that I can conjure.

Sidney shared with me that he’s lonely.  That he wants nothing more than to have a partner to call his own.  A woman that will accept him for who he is, someone that he’s able to be himself around, and someone to hold at night.  That’s his wish and the dream he dreams each night as he hugs his pillow to sleep.

He also told me that he has challenges meeting women.  Didn’t sound like he was very good at it.  He said to me, “Jaz, the only thing I know to do is to impress them with my Bently and all my money.”  I looked him straight in the eye and told him that he was foolish and that his approach was utterly ridiculous.  He then asked how he’s supposed to get women, and I responded, “Open your mouth.  When you start having real conversation, you’ll start meeting real women.”

I’m really giving you guys the Cliff’s Notes version of the evening – you have no idea…

Then it really gets good.  Sidney, with all the passion one could muster, leans in, wags a finger, and says, “I don’t go on dates!  I refuse to go on dates!  What am I gonna do?  Ask a girl about her day?  I don’t care about that.  I just wanna f&^%!”  [sorry kids who might be reading this]

Then with just as much passion I got in his face and said, “Then say that!  There is no shortage of women that are looking for the exact same thing!”  Sidney and I exchanged a few more words – passionately, and then we hugged it out.

Now let me tell you why my heart aches for Sid.  Even though he told me he can never be monogamous, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so open and so raw as he was when he told me how lonely he is.  And I’m sort of picking on him right now, but Sidney’s not alone.  Our world is filled with men like him that are desperately trying to hold on to a vision of themselves from days gone by.  I would imagine that he was probably the ultimate playboy fresh after his divorce.  Life was good and his bedroom was revolving door.  But what he’s not realized is that playtime is over, and it has nothing to do with his age.  It’s over because it’s stopped being fun – but he’s not completely willing to admit that just yet.  He knows it in his heart, but he’s not ready to say it out loud.  So he’s continuing to fill his life with stuff and people but never being fulfilled, and I told him straight up, “Sidney, you’re lacking substance, and you won’t be happy until you get some.”  And I think that’s the lesson for us all.  Often times what we want and what we need aren’t in alignment, but we will never know how it feels to ride the rainbow of our lives until we make our needs our ultimate wants.  Don’t allow yourself to be sad like Sidney.  Get real with yourself once and for all and give YOU what YOU need.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES. 

photo:  http://blog.timesunion.com/mydogbandit/files/2010/10/sad-dog-600x400.jpg

Rivers Of Honey

I will be sharing an excerpt of STEPPING ON A FEW TOES at this month’s Rivers Of Honey Artist Showcase taking place this evening in New York City.  Rivers of Honey is a New York-based organization that features the art of women of color.  The organization seeks to empower and entertain by allowing women to let their voices be heard.  Artists are encouraged to share in their artistic expression of choice.  For more information on the organization, please visit:  www.riversofhoney.com

Keeping Your Cool: Part II

Last time I talked about being your true self and today I want to talk about pursuing your dream.  With the only disclaimer being:  as long as your dreams don’t involve you bringing harm to another, you should always pursue them.  Always.  It is really as simple as that and this is something I will not budge on.

Every single human being is born with an innocent, pure curiosity about life, and as they enter childhood they begin to formulate dreams without having to be told to do so.  It just happens as a natural progression of their thoughts.  And kids’ toys play right into their fantasies and the land of make-believe they create for themselves.  Toddlers are fascinated with simple things such as preparing pretend meals in their pretend kitchens and being cashiers at their pretend cash registers, counting their pretend money and bagging the make-believe groceries.  And as the child matures, so do their dreams.  They migrate from wanting to run the express lane at the grocery store to wanting to sing, draw, play the guitar, dance, act, paint and so forth.  And all the while all the older, wiser adults in their lives continue to tell them that they can be and do anything they put their minds to.  These children are told that the sky is the limit and that the world is their oyster, and they fully believe it – they have no reason not to.  But somehow when these same wide-eyed kids become adults they begin talking like all hope is lost, and I can’t quite understand why because that’s the exact opposite of what they were told as kids.  All of a sudden they are saying things like:

“I’ve got to be realistic.”

“I’m too old for that.”

“When I was younger…”

“Now that I’m older…”

“I used to want to…”

Where did this defeatist attitude come from???  What?  Something didn’t go your way once and you immediately threw your hands up in surrender?   You got knocked down a time or two and felt it necessary to completely call it quits?  Or was it that others didn’t believe in you so you stopped believing in yourself?  What presence or what force came into your life that was powerful enough to make you to give up on you?  What was it?  Who was it?  Well whatever or whoever it was is no good for you and doesn’t deserve a second of your energy.  Your dreams, goals and aspirations are very attainable no matter what you’ve come to believe; and it’s while you’re in pursuit of those ambitions that you really begin to learn your true character.  The real you begins to come alive because you’re now living with purpose which is exciting.  And that brings us back to Part I of this article (see link below):  being your true self.

If you’re living your life suppressing your dreams you aren’t being true to you and you’re denying yourself buckets of happiness.  Don’t you feel you’re worth more than that?  Don’t you deserve to live your life to the fullest and completely enjoy every shred of joy your life could bring?  Why not?  Why sit on the sidelines watching others achieve?  Why not experience a taste of that life for yourself?  Believe me; it’s VERY possible.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES. 

Part I of this article can be found here:  http://steppingonafewtoes.blogspot.com/2013/05/keeping-your-cool-part-i.html

photo:  http://sajabla.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/cool.jpg

A Different Kind Of Puzzle

You don’t get me.

I’m not upset by it, nor am I bothered by it.  I just need you to know that you don’t get me.

You’ve never met anyone like me before, but because I resemble others you’ve dealt with in the past you’re inclined to treat me the same way you treat them.  Sorry.  That won’t fly.

I am so complex that I can’t even fully articulate my complexities.  I want things that I have never seen before.  I crave flavors that I’ve never tasted.  I dream of changing the world.  I have a desire to make an impact.  I’m not ok with mediocre.  I don’t have a complacent bone in my body.  I believe I can do all things and if you roll with me I need you to believe the same about yourself.  The world is my oyster and I intend to take all that has been laid out for me.  I don’t have time for your complaining.  Your whining gets on my last nerve.  Your negative energy is cancerous and I can’t run from it fast enough.  I’m not better than you; I’m just different.  I’m quirky.  Odd.  Perhaps strange even.  I wear gloves every day of the year.  I stroll with a parasol.  I am that anal about my skin.  I adore overcast skies.  I live for the sound of thunder.  I am unashamed of my naivety.  I will break my neck trying to do it myself before I ask anyone for help.  I always want to know why.  I will never be an animal rights activist.  I have a grand sense of adventure.  I don’t believe you’re ever too old for anything.  I don’t believe in talking; I believe in doing.  I hate procrastinators. 

Some of you have known me for years and you feel you know me well.  I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m sorry…chances are you know very little of me – and that’s not completely your fault.  I spent so many years trying to be what I thought others expected of me.  So many years trying to fit in.  So many years suppressing the real me, and it just got old.  So freaking tiring.  And to what end?  For what reason?  For who’s benefit?  For what purpose?  Did it get me any further?  Were the masses all that pleased with me?  It didn’t matter, because I wasn’t pleased with myself.  I wasn’t proud of who I was.  There was so much about me that I was keeping locked away not because I was afraid of what you might think, but because I feared you wouldn’t understand.  Well now I just don’t give a rip one way or the other.  It’s clear that most don’t understand why I do the things that I do, and that is A-ok with me.  I’ve learned to embrace my eccentricities and my weirdness in a way that keeps a smile planted on my face.  I’m good.  I’m so good and most of you don’t even get that.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES. 

Keeping Your Cool: Part I

I had a conversation last evening with someone about the notion of being “cool,” and how one’s “coolness” can evolve and/or devolve as time passes.  Is it always true that the cool kids in grade school, high school and sometimes even college peaked too soon?  That’s as cool as they’ll ever get?  Once they leave their academic playgrounds it all goes to hell in a hand basket?  I hate to make broad generalizations, but it’s so often the case.  As we’re in school we look up to them even if only in silent admiration because they seem to have the all elusive “it.”  That special x-factor that allows them to exude charisma, confidence, and charm making them the center of popularity.  We look on in awe as they seem to have it all; everyone eating out of the palm of their hand and dancing to the beat of their drum.  We desperately want to be them, or at least experience a shred of the easy life we assume they’re living.

Now I’m not a psych major so I won’t pretend to know the ins and outs of the cool kids’ brains, but I’m willing to put money on the fact that their lives are never as “easy” as they appear or as we assume they are.  That’s just a little note for you.  What I really want to talk about is this whole “cool” thing.  You know what it really boils down to?

1. being your true self

2. pursuing your dream, no matter what it may be

3. having confidence

Mark my words sons and daughters; if you can conquer those three things, you are without a doubt “cool.”  It’s really as simple as that, but we make it so dog’on hard.  Most people will live their entire lives never having managed #1, and from where I sit if you can’t get #1 down #2 and #3 go right out the window. 

Why is it so difficult for humans to just be?  Be you.  Be yourself.  As long as you’re not bringing harm to others, why wouldn’t you want to be authentic to you?  It takes way more effort pretending, and it’s such a drag.  My gosh.  The fake smiles…the fake friends…the fake fun…  For who??   For what??  Seriously.  Who stands to gain from your pretending?  Who benefits from that nonsense?  You may think I’m talkin’ shop right now, but life is so much easier and freer when you allow you to be you.  And that could be where the academic cool kids fall short.  I’d be willing to bet most of them are pretending their way through popularity and by the time adulthood comes they’ve forgotten who they really are, and most of them may not know.  So now all of a sudden the uncool peeps have a leg up.  They’ve been nothing but themselves the whole while but never seemed to reap the benefits of living that “true” life.

Then it happens.  The heavens shift and the tables turn.  The cool become uncool and the uncool are now awesome.  I’m writing this with a smile on my face because I was nowhere near cool in school.  I don’t have to tell you what I am now, though…  That would be uncool.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES. 

photo:  thinkingjewgirl.blogspot.com