Do The Work :: Get The Benefits

Hello, gang. I missed posting this past Tuesday, and I come to you with my head held low begging for your forgiveness. Life has been a roller coaster of actions and emotions over the past few weeks – so perhaps a break was needed. I will do my best not to let it happen again (been saying a lot of that lately).

I'm thanking God for this internet cafe next door to the church I've just left. It's all very timely because I want to talk to you guys about benefits and rewards today. It’s a topic that I think I’ve broached in the past, but I’m feeling the need to dig just a bit deeper on this Friday the 14^th. An extremely wise person said to me a week or two ago, “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.” He went on to use the analogy of a new employee at a company…

I remember when I first began looking for work, my dad would tell me, “Ask about the benefits. A lot of times an attractive benefits package will make up for a lack in monetary compensation.” So that’s what I did. With each interview I learned to not only appreciate the paycheck they wanted to offer, but I quickly began to understand this whole ‘benefits’ talk that my dad spoke of. And they seemed to come in all shapes and sizes: health coverage with little or no deductible, full vision, full dental, free gym memberships, free travel (sometimes first class), expense account, fuel account, petty cash, free child care, paid school tuition for continuing education, sick days, vacation days, personal days…I mean the list goes on and on. And sometimes these awesome benefits were met with equally awesome salaries. That’s when my inner self would begin to grin that enormous grin and dance with an uncontrollable joy. But – and most of the time there was always a but – there was inevitably always some sort of trial period. A “test run” if you will. The employer’s fine print: “You’re the new kid on the block, and we need to make sure you’re worth investing in. So before we just hand over all these awesome benefits, we need you to clock in ninety days of work first. You give us ninety days :: we give you benefits.”

Well, they never put it quite like that, but that’s what they meant. And this is how it was being broken down to me. Now I’m about to be transparent with ya’ll for a minute. Hold on to your seats.

The lesson I was being given was on the topic of romantic relationships. Let’s recall the statement again: “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.”

Here’s what you may not know about me (dear God…): I have an unhealthy fear of failure (in every respect). (Here we go.) I have seen nothing but broken, unhealthy relationships growing up. Nothing lasting. Nothing real. I’ve witnessed destruction, dysfunction, betrayal, and abuse and I’ve seen what that does to a person. I’ve seen what it does to the children that are products of such chaos, and I made a vow to myself at the age of twelve, that I would never be that. That I would never do that. I wanted no parts of a broken, failed relationship. No parts of it at all. I sought out role models that were living in happy homes with rich, fulfilling relationships, and I listened at their feet. I took copious notes as I hoped to follow in their footsteps and learn from their mistakes. Did you hear that??? In an effort to sidestep mistakes of my own I hoped to follow the blueprints of others. Did you hear it that time? And the sad part about it is that it still sounds somewhat sane to me. I still see the sense in it.

The quote again: “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.”

For years I’ve only been focusing on the benefits. The good outcome. The happily ever after. That’s all I cared to learn about. That’s all I wanted to study. Because I knew what chaos and destruction smelled like. I witnessed all that more times than I care to admit – so I never felt the need to study ‘problems.’ I knew ‘problems.’

And I was right. I do know problems. I am very familiar with most of them. I can spot them a mile away. But what I am unfamiliar with is ‘work.’ I’ve never seen ‘work.’ I’ve never witnessed compromise. I can’t even begin to tell you what ‘working through something’ looks like. I have not the first clue. I know how to avoid. I know how to run away. I know how to ignore. But ‘deal with’? Nope – that’s beyond my scope of expertise. And what I’m being taught is that it’s a very necessary part of any partnership. It is virtually impossible for anyone to receive the richest benefits that a relationship has to offer if they’ve not first put in some work. It just won’t happen. And I see that now. My eyes have been opened (thankfully) and I am aware of the work I’ve got to do. I’m talking to myself in this post, but I hope it reaches at least one other person out there. What I’ve learned is that I can’t be so afraid to fail that I’m afraid to try, because at the end of the day you can’t win the race if you’re sitting on the sidelines.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

>> To all the individuals and families affected by the Connecticut school shooting, my deepest and most sincere thoughts and prays are with you on this most tragic day. <<

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