See The Possibilities & Love Their Potential

I believe it to be a very noble thing to choose to see someone as their potential as opposed to scrutinizing their faults. Very noble, indeed. And you know what I mean. Especially the parents out there. In those moments when your son or daughter has behaved less like an angel and more like something else; you can either cut them at their knees cursing the day they were born, or you can continue to love and support them because though they don't quite see it yet – you see more. You're able to look beyond today's mishaps and see them as the being they are meant to become. You have no problem forgiving their blunders, small and large, because you know for a fact that this sort of behavior is only temporary.

I know this is an area that parents are all too familiar with. Teachers as well. Pick any school, and any grade and you'll find a teacher that has at one time or another believed in a student much more than said student was able to believe in themselves. I think this gentle-hearted attitude can also be found in romantic relationships. As a mater of fact, I know it can.

Someone recently shared a story with me about a couple that has been together for more than thirty years. Today what everyone sees is a strong, rock solid marriage that most will only taste in their dreams. But when I learned of how this couple's relationship began, I realized they have come a very long way...

At the onset of their dating relationship, the man was a bit of a loose cannon while the female was a bit more traditional, refined, and put together. He was into things, people and activities that she could not be paid to be involved in, yet she stayed. She continued dating a man that, on the outside, appeared to be nothing but trouble. He was an absolute mess, and it seemed he really had nothing to offer her. Yet she stayed.

I didn't get a blow-by-blow of the in's and out's of the courtship, because I didn't need them. The story was already becoming very clear to me. I learned that she stayed because even in his chaos she saw the potential for greatness. As he wandered aimlessly she somehow knew where the course would lead. She saw his strength before he had any. She saw his power when he was weak. She may well have been the only person that could have tolerated his rambunctious behavior, killing him with kindness the whole way through.

And I know it took me a while to get here, but that's the point I want to make to you today. In human interactions you have no control over how the other person will behave. You have no control over their actions nor over the words they speak. But you have COMPLETE control over your own. No matter what the circumstance is, you have 100% control over how you respond and react to it. Every emotion you feel, I'm sure, has a valid point of origin and I don't discount that; but it's your choice to operate in a tit-for-tat space or in a space of love and kindness.

Someone steps on your shoe, so you step on theirs.

Someone calls you a name, so you call them a worse name.

Someone makes a comment that rubs you the wrong way, so you give them the tongue lashing of the century.

Sure. Absolutely. You have every right to respond in that manner, and I won't sit here and say otherwise. But I will say those responses/reactions aren't the only ones available to you. Those may be the easiest to access in your bag of tricks – I'll give you that, but they aren't the only things in the bag. And it definitely takes some time to respond with love when the other person seems to be hating everything about you. It is no easy task, because if it were everyone would be doing it; but it's a task worth putting to practice.

Back to the story of that husband and wife...they are now strong examples in their community of what a supportive, loving couple looks like. But please understand they would have never gotten there if not for the patience, understanding, and the love the now wife showed her then boyfriend when he was behaving less than favorably. It's something for all of us to think about.

I'm not suggesting you be a doormat and put up with every bit of silliness and shenanigans that gets thrown your way. But I am saying in those moments when you see potential in that other person...exercise a little patience. Choose love over bitterness and anger. That may be just the bit of encouragement he/she needs to get their act together.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

photo: www.stockfreeimages.com

Do The Work :: Get The Benefits

Hello, gang. I missed posting this past Tuesday, and I come to you with my head held low begging for your forgiveness. Life has been a roller coaster of actions and emotions over the past few weeks – so perhaps a break was needed. I will do my best not to let it happen again (been saying a lot of that lately).

I'm thanking God for this internet cafe next door to the church I've just left. It's all very timely because I want to talk to you guys about benefits and rewards today. It’s a topic that I think I’ve broached in the past, but I’m feeling the need to dig just a bit deeper on this Friday the 14^th. An extremely wise person said to me a week or two ago, “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.” He went on to use the analogy of a new employee at a company…

I remember when I first began looking for work, my dad would tell me, “Ask about the benefits. A lot of times an attractive benefits package will make up for a lack in monetary compensation.” So that’s what I did. With each interview I learned to not only appreciate the paycheck they wanted to offer, but I quickly began to understand this whole ‘benefits’ talk that my dad spoke of. And they seemed to come in all shapes and sizes: health coverage with little or no deductible, full vision, full dental, free gym memberships, free travel (sometimes first class), expense account, fuel account, petty cash, free child care, paid school tuition for continuing education, sick days, vacation days, personal days…I mean the list goes on and on. And sometimes these awesome benefits were met with equally awesome salaries. That’s when my inner self would begin to grin that enormous grin and dance with an uncontrollable joy. But – and most of the time there was always a but – there was inevitably always some sort of trial period. A “test run” if you will. The employer’s fine print: “You’re the new kid on the block, and we need to make sure you’re worth investing in. So before we just hand over all these awesome benefits, we need you to clock in ninety days of work first. You give us ninety days :: we give you benefits.”

Well, they never put it quite like that, but that’s what they meant. And this is how it was being broken down to me. Now I’m about to be transparent with ya’ll for a minute. Hold on to your seats.

The lesson I was being given was on the topic of romantic relationships. Let’s recall the statement again: “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.”

Here’s what you may not know about me (dear God…): I have an unhealthy fear of failure (in every respect). (Here we go.) I have seen nothing but broken, unhealthy relationships growing up. Nothing lasting. Nothing real. I’ve witnessed destruction, dysfunction, betrayal, and abuse and I’ve seen what that does to a person. I’ve seen what it does to the children that are products of such chaos, and I made a vow to myself at the age of twelve, that I would never be that. That I would never do that. I wanted no parts of a broken, failed relationship. No parts of it at all. I sought out role models that were living in happy homes with rich, fulfilling relationships, and I listened at their feet. I took copious notes as I hoped to follow in their footsteps and learn from their mistakes. Did you hear that??? In an effort to sidestep mistakes of my own I hoped to follow the blueprints of others. Did you hear it that time? And the sad part about it is that it still sounds somewhat sane to me. I still see the sense in it.

The quote again: “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.”

For years I’ve only been focusing on the benefits. The good outcome. The happily ever after. That’s all I cared to learn about. That’s all I wanted to study. Because I knew what chaos and destruction smelled like. I witnessed all that more times than I care to admit – so I never felt the need to study ‘problems.’ I knew ‘problems.’

And I was right. I do know problems. I am very familiar with most of them. I can spot them a mile away. But what I am unfamiliar with is ‘work.’ I’ve never seen ‘work.’ I’ve never witnessed compromise. I can’t even begin to tell you what ‘working through something’ looks like. I have not the first clue. I know how to avoid. I know how to run away. I know how to ignore. But ‘deal with’? Nope – that’s beyond my scope of expertise. And what I’m being taught is that it’s a very necessary part of any partnership. It is virtually impossible for anyone to receive the richest benefits that a relationship has to offer if they’ve not first put in some work. It just won’t happen. And I see that now. My eyes have been opened (thankfully) and I am aware of the work I’ve got to do. I’m talking to myself in this post, but I hope it reaches at least one other person out there. What I’ve learned is that I can’t be so afraid to fail that I’m afraid to try, because at the end of the day you can’t win the race if you’re sitting on the sidelines.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

>> To all the individuals and families affected by the Connecticut school shooting, my deepest and most sincere thoughts and prays are with you on this most tragic day. <<

Photo credit: www.stockfreeimages.com

Is That Your House On the Corner?

When you know who you are and you know your worth, there are just some things that you will not tolerate.  But when you know neither, you end up living on the corner of Anything Goes Blvd and Treat Me However Lane.  And that is an ugly place to be.  No rules.  No standards.  No procedural systems in place creating a life of chaos where you’re jumping from one fire to the next.  Who really wants to live like that?  Spending all your energy putting out fires and implementing urgent measures of damage control at every turn.  For what?  Because he’s foolish?  Because she’s messed up in the head?  Because your boss has it out for you?  Because your professor’s a jerk?  Stop pointing fingers because once again, the buck stops with you.  People can only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.  They can only get away with those things that you don’t call them out on.  YOU are the problem – not them.  YOU need to get YOUR act together in order for THEM to change their ways.  When you’re driving from state to state you change your speed many times primarily because you’ve been asked to do so by the posted signs alongside the road.  Standards have been established and you’ve been expected to abide by them, or suffer the consequences.  Your life is no different.  Human interaction is no different.  You have to set the standards by which you want to be dealt.  You have to:

 

(a) set the standards

(b) inform those around you of said standards

(c) develop consequences for not keeping in line with your standards

(d) enforce those consequences at every turn

 

And when you look at it in that fashion, I even admit, it looks and sounds a bit too rigid – too unforgiving.  But let me show you what the alternative is…

 

You have an argument with your significant other and he tells you to “Shut the f*&% up!” or she attacks you purposefully pushing the one button that will send you over the edge.  Those living in chaos will accept this behavior as, “Oh, he didn’t mean it,” or “That’s just how she is.”  They will eventually kiss and make up just to catch the bus to the verbal lashings to be exchanged in a few days; and that will be their cycle.  They will live a life of misery, pain, hurt, and dysfunction because no one has set any standards.

 

On the flip side…for that female that has standards, the first time some craziness came out of his mouth she would have called him on it.  Letting him know that she is not to be talked to that way.  Letting him know that she will not stay in even a relationship where she’s not respected.  At that point he has a choice:  (1) follow the new posted speed limit or (2) continue driving at the speed he’s been cruising at for some time.  That’s it.  The ball is now in his court and the choice is now his. 

 

The tricky part comes when he/she slips up after the standards and consequences have already been discussed.  You have to be strong enough to enforce the consequence or else you’ve completely failed yourself.  Honestly.  You are worth so much more and you need to demand the dignity and the respect that you deserve.  That goes for everyone.  Don’t let people do you any kind of way – don’t.  Let them know who you are upfront.  You’ll be so happy you did.  There is so much power, strength and confidence that comes when operating on this level.  It’s a confidence that can’t be shaken and it’s a respect that others can see from a mile away.  Vow to get some of that for yourself.  If you’re living on the corner of  Anything Goes Blvd and Treat Me However Lane, please plan to relocate.  Your peace of mind is depending on it. 

 

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

 

photo:  http://www.stockfreeimages.com/