I'm Feeling Very Reptilian

I’ve talked about “shedding” in the past, and it’s a subject that I want to revisit today.  I don’t plan on writing at length today, primarily because I don’t have the time, so I will try to make my point as quickly and succinctly as possible. 

Not everyone has your back.  Not everyone has your best interests at heart.  Not everyone is excited to see you succeed.  Some people are actually hoping and praying for you to fail.

Sometimes those people are your closest friends.

Just because you’ve known him or her since childhood doesn’t mean it’s a relationship that you have to carry with you to your grave.  If you are earnestly on your journey and focused on your mission, God will always continue to put the right people in your path.  I know that, and even though I believe it with every fiber of my being, (because I’ve seen it happen in my own life) I'm still preaching to myself as I type. Even still, you have to know and believe it for yourself as well.

This is a tough one.  It really is.  You’ve known them for a decade or more… You guys have been telling each other everything for years…  This is the one person that knows everything there is to know about you…  Ya’ll have so much history…  You can’t just up and throw that away, right?  Friendships are worth fighting for, right?  Yes.  Of course.  Some of them are.  Absolutely, and I don’t aim to sound as if no one you know if worth two cents.  That’s not what I mean at all.

That word again:  shedding.

Sloughing off old things that no longer fit and that no longer work, to make space for new things (and people) that do:  shedding.

Most of you know exactly what I’m talking about because you’ve already experienced it in your own lives.  That unexplainable “weirdness” that is so thick in the air between you and your bestie all of a sudden.  You can’t figure if you’ve changed or if they’ve changed; all you know is things are different. 

What ends up happening most of the time is the Big Blowout.  It’s that fight, argument, or situation that finally puts the two of you head-to-head and at complete odds.  It ends nastily and both of you walk away believing this ‘thing’ was the reason for your relationship’s ultimate demise.  It happens to college roommates all the time.  But let me tell you, the Big Blowout isn’t what broke the friendship.  Know it or not, you guys were on a slow decline and it was just a matter of time before you drifted apart and away from each other for good and forever.  The Big Blowout only sped up the process.  Trust me, that was a friendship that wasn’t gonna last forever.  The Big Blowout just put a lot of ugly in your face all at once, and you could hide from it no longer. 

You will always have fond memories of this person, but their season was up.  That was someone you were spending way too much time with anyway.  It was necessary for you to shed them so that you could clear some space for the awesomeness that was awaiting you around the corner.  Relationships of any kind should be rewarding, uplifting and motivating.  A friend just told me on Wednesday that relationships are only worth holding on to if you’re being “fed” in some way.  He said once you’re no longer being “fed,” it’s time to call it quits, and I can’t help but agree.

I won’t argue that this kind of shedding isn’t met with an immediate feeling of loneliness – but it’s temporary. On the upside you feel lighter, completely rejuvenated, and you'll have a sense of freedom you hadn’t experienced in years.  Meditate on what I’ve said, but ultimately listen to the inner voice that guides your way.  Only you know if this is a relationship worth fighting for, or one that you’ve got to shed.  Negative or positive be ready and willing to live with the consequences of your decision.  As for me?  I’m feeling very reptilian, and I know what I’ve got to do.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPINGON A FEW TOES.

Note to Readers:  Moving forward I will only be posting once/week on Fridays.  This may change at some point, but it’s a necessary adjustment that I need to make for the time being.  I appreciate your understanding.

photo:  http://patcegan.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/snake-shedding1.gif?w=640

Do The Work :: Get The Benefits

Hello, gang. I missed posting this past Tuesday, and I come to you with my head held low begging for your forgiveness. Life has been a roller coaster of actions and emotions over the past few weeks – so perhaps a break was needed. I will do my best not to let it happen again (been saying a lot of that lately).

I'm thanking God for this internet cafe next door to the church I've just left. It's all very timely because I want to talk to you guys about benefits and rewards today. It’s a topic that I think I’ve broached in the past, but I’m feeling the need to dig just a bit deeper on this Friday the 14^th. An extremely wise person said to me a week or two ago, “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.” He went on to use the analogy of a new employee at a company…

I remember when I first began looking for work, my dad would tell me, “Ask about the benefits. A lot of times an attractive benefits package will make up for a lack in monetary compensation.” So that’s what I did. With each interview I learned to not only appreciate the paycheck they wanted to offer, but I quickly began to understand this whole ‘benefits’ talk that my dad spoke of. And they seemed to come in all shapes and sizes: health coverage with little or no deductible, full vision, full dental, free gym memberships, free travel (sometimes first class), expense account, fuel account, petty cash, free child care, paid school tuition for continuing education, sick days, vacation days, personal days…I mean the list goes on and on. And sometimes these awesome benefits were met with equally awesome salaries. That’s when my inner self would begin to grin that enormous grin and dance with an uncontrollable joy. But – and most of the time there was always a but – there was inevitably always some sort of trial period. A “test run” if you will. The employer’s fine print: “You’re the new kid on the block, and we need to make sure you’re worth investing in. So before we just hand over all these awesome benefits, we need you to clock in ninety days of work first. You give us ninety days :: we give you benefits.”

Well, they never put it quite like that, but that’s what they meant. And this is how it was being broken down to me. Now I’m about to be transparent with ya’ll for a minute. Hold on to your seats.

The lesson I was being given was on the topic of romantic relationships. Let’s recall the statement again: “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.”

Here’s what you may not know about me (dear God…): I have an unhealthy fear of failure (in every respect). (Here we go.) I have seen nothing but broken, unhealthy relationships growing up. Nothing lasting. Nothing real. I’ve witnessed destruction, dysfunction, betrayal, and abuse and I’ve seen what that does to a person. I’ve seen what it does to the children that are products of such chaos, and I made a vow to myself at the age of twelve, that I would never be that. That I would never do that. I wanted no parts of a broken, failed relationship. No parts of it at all. I sought out role models that were living in happy homes with rich, fulfilling relationships, and I listened at their feet. I took copious notes as I hoped to follow in their footsteps and learn from their mistakes. Did you hear that??? In an effort to sidestep mistakes of my own I hoped to follow the blueprints of others. Did you hear it that time? And the sad part about it is that it still sounds somewhat sane to me. I still see the sense in it.

The quote again: “You can’t expect to receive the benefits without first putting in some work.”

For years I’ve only been focusing on the benefits. The good outcome. The happily ever after. That’s all I cared to learn about. That’s all I wanted to study. Because I knew what chaos and destruction smelled like. I witnessed all that more times than I care to admit – so I never felt the need to study ‘problems.’ I knew ‘problems.’

And I was right. I do know problems. I am very familiar with most of them. I can spot them a mile away. But what I am unfamiliar with is ‘work.’ I’ve never seen ‘work.’ I’ve never witnessed compromise. I can’t even begin to tell you what ‘working through something’ looks like. I have not the first clue. I know how to avoid. I know how to run away. I know how to ignore. But ‘deal with’? Nope – that’s beyond my scope of expertise. And what I’m being taught is that it’s a very necessary part of any partnership. It is virtually impossible for anyone to receive the richest benefits that a relationship has to offer if they’ve not first put in some work. It just won’t happen. And I see that now. My eyes have been opened (thankfully) and I am aware of the work I’ve got to do. I’m talking to myself in this post, but I hope it reaches at least one other person out there. What I’ve learned is that I can’t be so afraid to fail that I’m afraid to try, because at the end of the day you can’t win the race if you’re sitting on the sidelines.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

>> To all the individuals and families affected by the Connecticut school shooting, my deepest and most sincere thoughts and prays are with you on this most tragic day. <<

Photo credit: www.stockfreeimages.com

Is That Your House On the Corner?

When you know who you are and you know your worth, there are just some things that you will not tolerate.  But when you know neither, you end up living on the corner of Anything Goes Blvd and Treat Me However Lane.  And that is an ugly place to be.  No rules.  No standards.  No procedural systems in place creating a life of chaos where you’re jumping from one fire to the next.  Who really wants to live like that?  Spending all your energy putting out fires and implementing urgent measures of damage control at every turn.  For what?  Because he’s foolish?  Because she’s messed up in the head?  Because your boss has it out for you?  Because your professor’s a jerk?  Stop pointing fingers because once again, the buck stops with you.  People can only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.  They can only get away with those things that you don’t call them out on.  YOU are the problem – not them.  YOU need to get YOUR act together in order for THEM to change their ways.  When you’re driving from state to state you change your speed many times primarily because you’ve been asked to do so by the posted signs alongside the road.  Standards have been established and you’ve been expected to abide by them, or suffer the consequences.  Your life is no different.  Human interaction is no different.  You have to set the standards by which you want to be dealt.  You have to:

 

(a) set the standards

(b) inform those around you of said standards

(c) develop consequences for not keeping in line with your standards

(d) enforce those consequences at every turn

 

And when you look at it in that fashion, I even admit, it looks and sounds a bit too rigid – too unforgiving.  But let me show you what the alternative is…

 

You have an argument with your significant other and he tells you to “Shut the f*&% up!” or she attacks you purposefully pushing the one button that will send you over the edge.  Those living in chaos will accept this behavior as, “Oh, he didn’t mean it,” or “That’s just how she is.”  They will eventually kiss and make up just to catch the bus to the verbal lashings to be exchanged in a few days; and that will be their cycle.  They will live a life of misery, pain, hurt, and dysfunction because no one has set any standards.

 

On the flip side…for that female that has standards, the first time some craziness came out of his mouth she would have called him on it.  Letting him know that she is not to be talked to that way.  Letting him know that she will not stay in even a relationship where she’s not respected.  At that point he has a choice:  (1) follow the new posted speed limit or (2) continue driving at the speed he’s been cruising at for some time.  That’s it.  The ball is now in his court and the choice is now his. 

 

The tricky part comes when he/she slips up after the standards and consequences have already been discussed.  You have to be strong enough to enforce the consequence or else you’ve completely failed yourself.  Honestly.  You are worth so much more and you need to demand the dignity and the respect that you deserve.  That goes for everyone.  Don’t let people do you any kind of way – don’t.  Let them know who you are upfront.  You’ll be so happy you did.  There is so much power, strength and confidence that comes when operating on this level.  It’s a confidence that can’t be shaken and it’s a respect that others can see from a mile away.  Vow to get some of that for yourself.  If you’re living on the corner of  Anything Goes Blvd and Treat Me However Lane, please plan to relocate.  Your peace of mind is depending on it. 

 

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES.

 

photo:  http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

 

 

Seasons Change

I heard a song lyric the other day that said, “Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.”  I heard it, pulled my car over, located pen and paper, and I wrote it down.  Who knows (I’m sure someone knows) what the song title is or who sings it, but they have never spoken truer words with that statement.

I’m gonna keep this one short today as I have much to get done, but I do want to make sure I get this point across. 

We aren’t meant to take every friend and acquaintance with us on our life’s journey.  There is such a thing as seasons, and sometimes folks are only meant to be in our lives for a season.  Perhaps they came into our life to teach us a lesson.  Maybe we crossed their path because they held the answer to a question that had been plaguing us.  There are even times when we need to meet them in order to learn more about ourselves.  It could even be a situation where our relationship with them got us one (or two) steps closer to a major goal.  The reasons are many, and it’s usually not until the friendship has dissolved that we begin to realize the purpose of that relationship.  But I can promise you this:  if you try to hang on to someone longer than you are meant to, it can quickly turn disastrous and it’ll leave you scratching your head wondering what in God’s name has happened to this once happy union.  Now the smell of sour grapes is thick in the air and it’s trying to tell you that the change of seasons has come and that person’s time is up in your life.  And sometimes it hurts like hell because that season may have stretched across decades and you can’t make it make any sense.  You were certain this was someone that you’d be growing old with, but the universe has different plans for you.  And in order for you to reach your full potential, you will eventually have to take heed to the messages you’re being sent.

And I would be lying if I were to say that these are easy messages to respond to.  They aren’t, and most will go through life ignoring them – but nothing good comes from that.  What was once a fun, energetic, inspiring relationship over time will turn spiteful, hurtful, and dishonest.  It’s just not good.  Where the two of you may have been able to let nature run its course and naturally drift apart, now the both of you are fuming angry and things have gotten ugly.  If you can help it, you never want things to go that far because one or both of you may end up saying things out of anger – things that you may later regret.  It’s always best, but not always easy, to part ways the moment you recognize the season is changing.  And you may not always know right away, but you will ALWAYS know, and don’t feel bad when you find yourself saying, “Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.”  It’s not a bad thing.  It’s a very necessary part of life to get from point A to point Z.  I don’t care where you live, it may be subtle, but the seasons always change.  Our personal relationships are no different.

My name is Jasmynne Shaye, and this is me STEPPING ON A FEW TOES. 

photo credit:  http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/04/Four_seasons.jpg